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I wish you an imperfect Christmas.

I hope that


You forgot the cranberry sauce

You can’t all fit round the table

Someone coughs their way through Jingle Bells

The Christmas pudding is slightly overdone

An unexpected vegetarian appears

The lights have 99 knots

Uncle Alf forgets he is supposed to smoke outside

No-one monitors Aunt Mary’s sherry

Someone rings in the middle of the Kings speech

George forgets to top up the diesel

Julia forgets her wallet on her off licence run

Monopoly causes a row loud enough to wake Grandma

Grandpa takes all the labels off the presents

Billy puts something up his nose

The cat goes into labour

The dog gets out

You run out of batteries

The dishwasher won’t work

The bins so full you put some in the neighbours

Timothy wakes you at 3 am screaming ‘He’s been!’

Janie insists on carving the turkey three tequilas in

All the crackers have jokes with no punchline

The football tickets are ‘somewhere in the house’

Cousin Julie gives you 5 minutes warning to get to the panto

The twins cover the lounge in silly string

There are 73 whoopee cushions

There are enough after eights for the street

Sheridan starts a bowl the chocolate orange challenge

The smoke alarm is stuck on test

Marianne kisses someone she shouldn’t

The baby monitor reveals Simon’s secret

Jemima gets locked in the pub

There are no bin bags


Because you will remember this Christmas


And now whatever happens you will see it could be worse

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